Building Healthy Self Esteem in Exceptional Children, Part 1

A facebook friend of mine liked this article from the Huffington Post.  This article reminds us not to greet a little girl with praise for her physical appearance ("My what a pretty dress that is!"  and "What lovely curls you have!" and so forth).  Rather, we should try something like, "Hello, Maya.  What books are you reading lately?"  It really got me thinking about the internal clockwork though which our children filter our interactions with them, and internalize them as empirical truths about their character and worth in this world.  We cannot know the influence we have on who our children believe they are.  This is true for all children, and not only girls.  So I've been thinking lately about my own kids, and what I want them to internalize about their character and worth in this world.  I am no parenting expert, and don't mean to toot my own horn AT ALL.  But I have learned a couple of things about being a mom to exceptional kids, and if it is helpful to anyone, I am happy to share my experience.  Without further ado...

Child #1.

I'm getting real here today.  I don't talk about it too much (partly not to brag, partly not to whine and cry because I don't have a clue how to deal with him half the time), but this kid is, well.  BRILLIANT.  I mean.  The kind of brilliant that you can't help but notice, if you talk to him for more than three minutes.  I will not embarrass myself by sharing his last spelling list of the third grade year, as I am certain I will misspell at least half of it.

As soon as he started talking, at the ripe age of 9 months old, people started remarking on how smart he was.  "Did that baby REALLY just say that??" was a frequent exclamation at the grocery store.  By the age of 3, he had established himself as the pet patron of his favorite public librarian, Phyllis, and to this day, will not receive assistance from any other adult when it comes to choosing and finding books.  There is even an urban legend among the local librarians starring a precocious three year old who mistook the tadpoles on the the icky pizza book for sperm, the inspiration of which not-so-tall-tale is none other than he.  Before we enrolled him in a full-time gifted program, he was so used to being grouped with kids older than himself, he actually truly believed he was better than everyone his own age and threw a fit if he had to be a part of any age-appropriate learning in a group of age-peers. 

Come to mention it, there have been a lot of fits.  A LOT.  The word fit does not even scratch the surface.  In fact, the social/adaptive side of his personality is every ounce as "exceptional" as  his IQ.  I am in no mood to get into details after a day like today, but suffice it to say, he asked me today why I am reading a book called, "The Explosive Child."

In short, there is no way this kid can possibly grow up with a healthy self image unless his dad and I actively work to balance the input he has to filter and internalize.

Here is what I've learned so far.  First, I have to really, really make a point of finding positive things to recognize him for, and I try to put them in writing as often as possible.  He tends to forget that he has many nice qualities besides being smart, and that we love him even though he is a bear at times.  Here is a little something I wrote him for his 8th birthday:  A Birthday Ode to My Little Enigma  Also, I have learned to try NOT to praise him for his inherent intelligence.  It is like praising a child for having hairless knuckles or being able to roll your tongue up like a burrito.  That is luck of the genetic draw.  So what?  I am very clear with him that he will not be earning praise and accolades for traits beyond his control.  I do not prance him before my friends and family and make him do smart-kid-tricks.  What is important is not what you have been given (which is simply a credit to your ancestors).  It's what you do with it which is a credit to yourself.  In our family, we honor hard work, honesty, compassion, kindness, sharing, empathy, determination, integrity, humor, and creativity.


Here's how it plays out.  During Dylan's last week of school, I asked him on Monday for his spelling list.  He informed me that he wasn't doing his spelling this week.
"Why not?" I asked. 

"The words are too hard.  I don't even know what they mean."

"Well, let's go over them together.  I'll help you learn them."

"No.  I don't need them.  They are big stupid words that I will never use."

Looking at the list...  "I don't know, honey.  I think you might have use for some of these...  psychology for sure.  Hopefully acquiesce sooner than arraignment...  Let's do it."

"No.  It's a waste of time.  I will get an 80% without studying and it's the end of the 7th grade book anyway.  Isn't it good enough that I am spelling 4 years above grade level and passing my tests without studying?"

Thinking REALLY fast here...  Yes!  I mean... No!  Luckily I have already laid the groundwork for this one.  "Listen kid.  The fact that you are a good speller is a credit to your parents and grandparents.  The fact that your teacher has you working in a 7th grade spelling book is a credit to her.  It doesn't matter if you are working in a 3rd grade book or an 8th grade book.  You haven't done a credit to yourself until you apply yourself.   These words are at your level, and you can learn them.  What are you going to do?"

Well, guess what he did.  He earned 100% on that test, and got all the bonus words too.  Now THAT is spectacular.  And his teacher recognized him for being a hard worker.  Not for being an amazing speller (so what), but for challenging himself to do something really hard, and succeeding.  And that is something he can really feel good about!